Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA The Founding Fathers promised to return upon hearing the enchanted horn, but warned it should only be used in times of dire need. Is now the time? Like The Onion on Facebook: http://www.fb.com/theonion Follow The Onion on Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/theonion More Breaking News: http://www.theonion.com/video/